For a recent project I’ve been calling investment banks talking to associates and analysts. Why is she doing this, you ask yourself? Believe me I’ve been asking myself the same question, but it’s really made me think.
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Last week I was at the beach practicing earthing on my lunch break. Standing ankle deep in the ocean, I remembered a dream I’d had the night before. Chris and I were driving down a dirt road in Australia. Outside my passenger window, alongside the road, was a narrow waterway kind of like a river with the most crystal clear, blue water. Inside the water were sharks, lots of sharks. I screamed SHARKS! and he tried to get a look by craning over into my seat.
Ahead was a driveway leading to someone’s garage. Being Chris, he pulled in and parked illegally while I (being me) repeatedly told him we should not be parking in someone else’s driveway. He thought he’d seen some sharks swimming around their house and wanted to get a quick look, so we hopped out of the vehicle. Sure enough there were sharks turning over and over in the water – almost showing off – white bellies in the sun, fins up, fins down, googly eyes, swimming in these super narrow channels all around the house. Scared to death, I couldn’t figure out what I was doing near the edge and why all these people?! If you’ve seen JAWS you know why. It was the longest dream of my life spent sidled up against a house watching sharks up close and personal in the cleanest water I’ve ever seen.
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The conversations I’ve been having with these analysts and associates have produced a lot of different emotions in me. Sometimes I hang up the phone and think WAIT A SECOND HERE THAT TWENTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD KID IS MAKING $150,000! W.T.F. And then go on to assess every career move I’ve made over the past 10 years, asking myself if I’ve worked as hard as I possibly could and made the best career decisions. So basically, feel like a failure.
Other times I’ve sat on the phone and listened to stories of 12 to 15 hour work days, 6 to 7 days a week, and then gotten depressed. Some of these people are happy with the lifestyle, believing they’ve selected the superior career. A lot of them, happy or not, have admitted they are so tired and stressed out they don’t know how much more they can take, that they don’t get a single day off at the holidays, haven’t taken a vacation, signed up for a class, or even had time to read a book. With the exception of a few, most of these confessors have ended with something along the lines of: But it’s so much money, more money than I could make anywhere else, and if I make partner… And then I’ve felt sick because they’ve bought the lie.
Whether they’re doing it willingly or not, these young people are giving up (in most cases) the healthiest and most vibrant years of their lives for a very long shot. Most of them will burn out, some not quitting until long after the fact. But even if they are one of the ones who succeed in making that long shot, will gobs of money really compensate for all the experiences they will have traded in for it?
At one point I probably would have shakily said maybe and possibly leaned to yes, even as a self-employed person who’s for the most part bucked the system. After getting sick last year though, I’d have to say no. I look back on my thirties with a lot of fondness and pride, primarily because of the success I had in my career. I whooped some ass and am pretty good at what I do, but do I think it was all worth it now after having had a stress-induced stroke (which let me be clear wasn’t just from work, but it was a contributing factor)? No, I don’t.
If I could go back I’d take more vacations, go for a walk for absolutely no reason right in the middle of the work day, and not work so many weekends. I’d go home more, work less nights and learn to say no. None of these things would have changed the quality of my work and, if anything, might have even improved it. I was talking to a colleague tonight and we were comparing two candidates we both like very much. At the end of the conversation I summed up by saying, ‘They’re both good, it’s just that this one is hungry and this one…just isn’t anymore’. Immediately I wished I could take those words back because the truth is just because you aren’t hungry to get ahead in business, it doesn’t make you any less hungry to live a happy, healthy life filled with great experiences.
I know I’m starving.
19 Comments
Bookmarking this post. I’m only in my 20s and have forgotten what it’s like to live. I’m drowning in looong hours, barely any weekends and no vacations. Thanks for this perspective on the subject.
Oh boy, Shawna. That makes me sad. It seems like in your 20’s you’re in this stage of proving yourself and the closer you get to 30 the more credibility you have in the workplace (at least that was my experience). I remember turning 28 and saying somethingto my boss and it was like he suddenly heard me. He was an awesome guy so I totally called him on it and was like wait a minute, I’ve been saying this for the past year… He laughed and totally admitted it.
I hope can find better balance and carve out some time for yourself. Email me if you ever want any career advice or just to brainstorm. I’m happy to help if I can. (I’m an executive recruiter in case you didn’t know).
I was recently looking at a role that listed the working hours as 8:30am to 6 or 7pm, with weekends expected. I wrote back to my recruiter immediately and said, thanks but no thanks–I’m not willing to make that kind of commitment. And maybe she thought I’d lost my drive, but I hope instead that she respected the fact that I was protecting myself. Because really, that extra hour or two at home means the world to me these days. I’m always hungry for more home-cooked meals, more evenings with John, more peace.
You did the right thing by communicating clearly from the start, now she can run things by you that are more well-suited to who you are as a person. You’re ready to work and work hard, just not for a job that wants to be front and center in your life. I get that and hopefully she does, too 🙂 P.S. I still you an email. Uh-oh…
A simplified life is best. God gave us plenty to enjoy that is free and tells us not to have anxiety over what we need because he will provide.
Right on. I so needed to read this.
Been thinking about you in regards to this very thing. Don’t want overstep and get up in your biz.
I was a stay at home Mom. I’ve never been good at working. I hate it. But then menial jobs and low pay don’t give me much reason to giggle. I’m retired now. And looking back I have to accept that I’m not a good employee. One of the things that makes a good employee is passion. You can’t fake it and you can’t beat it. I don’t have it for work. I think I’ve forgiven myself for laziness. But I have passion for some other things and I love having time to work on them. Have you ever looked at your accomplishments? I think taking time to take care on your self must be on your list. For your future, your husband, your health and your sanity. I’m doing better on that now and I’m happier and really more productive. Oh and by the way, for your cats too.
Judy you fascinate me. You have very good insight: a person does have to have passion for what they do and then they have a greater chance at being successful at it. That applies to both work and life. For instance I am currently very passionate about crafts, even if they’re simple. They just make me feel good. Granted I can’t live on crafts, but that’s another story. HAHAHA! You were passionate about being a mom and knew what worked for you. That’s a good thing. Being a mom is a job in and of itself. As for me, I do think about my accomplishments. I love what I do and get really fired up about it! It’s just that I’ve let it consume way too much of my life and not set good boundaries. Some of that is my own fault, some of it was out of my control. As an overachiever it’s hard to feel like you’re not living up to people’s expectations, especially when you’re very good at what you do. That’s my shtick.
Perspective. I needed this. It is a huge, fat lie, isn’t it? And then I hear about other countries who celebrate and encourage leisure time and think overtime is ridiculous and I want to move.
I think it can be a lie. The real lie is if you work hard you can have whatever you want. Sure that part may be true, but at what cost to the rest of your life? A pile of stuff does not equal a fulfilled life. Well, at least not to me but to other people it might and I totally get that. Don’t want to disrespect. I love the US and all the opportunity 🙂
Yea…I am constantly wondering if I’m doing the right thing with my life. Right now I’m wasting 5 hours a day commuting to work, totally not worth it. But I’m too afraid to find something better that’s closer to home because I feel like I’m not qualified for anything anymore. So I just stay where I am, unhappy and tired… *sigh*
Oooh this makes me sad. I understand where you are and I don’t want you to be afraid to make a change. Let’s email and discuss. You don’t have to make a change today, but I’d be happy to help you look over options and get you thinking about other alternatives even if it’s a year down the road.
A lot of this really hits at why I didn’t try longer to land an academic tenure track job…and reinforces why, for me, I really made the right choice! It’s nice to be reminded of that every so often…
Courtney ~ Sartorial Sidelines
It’s tough though, right? You want to put that feather in your cap, but then you realize all it’s going to cost to get it. Sounds like you’re doing awesome in Canada! Doors will open for you, I’m convinced.
I, too, worked hard with longer hours in my 20s and 30s. I made good money, but at some point the life balance became impossible and with a kid especially, it didn’t work any longer. My husband followed a similar trajectory about 10 years before me. If he had stayed on his path, he’d be retired already (we try not to dwell on that too much, haha!) but also would be completely unhealthy from the stress. And I’m sure our relationship would be completely different as a result – who knows, we may not even have gotten married. But instead, he quit and made changes that have given him a lot more rewards both at work AND at home. Sometimes, you have to go through all that to really value and appreciate the outcome, unfortunately. Because we went through it, we can enjoy where we are for real. We know what we are missing…and we’re NOT missing it.
I’m glad you make the observations you did in your post about the lifestyle these guys in finance lead…sometimes I think the media portrays these folks as these Gordon Gekko slick con-artists that are just living large off of gullible investors, laughing as they smoke cigars in someone’s country club manor…there ARE some folks like that (as there are in every industry) but the majority of these folks make decent-to-good money, but they pay a far heftier price for it in terms of stress, hours and lifestyle. Wall Street is NOT a place for the faint of heart, the pace of that zone will suck most people dry in a week.
The good news is that we can learn and make changes in our 20s, 30s, 40s, even 50s…it’s never too late to change your life!
All of this, Jen. All of it. It’s not that I don’t like to work. I mean I LOVE to work, but after years and years of it you start to look back and realize hmmmm my hair fell out x times, I only took 4 days off last year, saw my family twice, feel guilty if someone asks me out for lunch but really can’t afford the time away – really all that and so much more. I think it’s the overall expectation and lack of balance that makes people sick. It’s no different that if all a person ate was chocolate bars for 10 years. Fun at first, maybe not the best idea after awhile. When you’re in it, even for years, it can be fun and invigorating and rewarding but then when it starts to affect you physically and mentally you realize it’s taken a toll. I’m still mucking through it, as you can tell. One thing’s for sure, you have to be ALL IN if you’re joining any kind of a firm, especially if you really want to get ahead.
oh the rat race. Hindsight is 20/20 no? Hope you enjoy your 80 degree weather with your toes in the sand girl!
Oh I knew it at the time, it was just more fun then. Now? Ankles deep!