Last week a couple of people emailed to see if I was okay because I haven’t posted in over a month. First, I just want to say thanks. That meant a lot to me. Interestingly, I caught myself hesitating before saying I was okay; like if I said it I might jinx myself.
I spent most of the summer screwing around (see posts immediately previous to this, but mostly instagram because I didn’t update here all that much) and thinking about what I should do with my life. All in all it was pretty good. I’m pretty sure I said that before, but it’s worth mentioning again because my short-term memory is sometimes nil and who knows what I’ll remember when I’m thumbing back through these posts someday.
A few days ago, actually I think a bit more but ta-da can’t remember exactly, I had another stroke.
I’m not going to lie, I spent most of yesterday crying in bed.
I feel bad for myself.
I’m dizzy.
I can’t ride my bike.
Shit, I can’t even walk all that well although Chris keeps telling me I’m doing great. My right side is really weak. I woke up this morning (thank God) with my hand and foot curled in the vulture grip.
Fuck. I HATE THIS. Why me? Why again? But then I think why not me? What exempts me from having a terrible thing happen to me? Nothing, I guess.
All that work I put in, what a steep and scary climb it was and I didn’t even make the 2 year mark.
I keep thinking about my doctor telling me my risk for reoccurrence and worse is in the 90th percentile in the next 5 years. I’m not even at year 2 and here I am again. I refuse to let this thing get the best of me.
I can’t sit up and type much, but I’ll try to post here more often. I wish I had had the energy last time to write down more of what I did to get better because I did a lot of different things. I can’t even remember what they all were. Shocker.
Here I go again.
31 Comments
Oh man Carrie, I had no idea. I saw the Hawaii posts on Instagram and thought you were having a ball. I’m sending you good vibes for a full recovery. I imagine it can’t be easy but you seem like such a fierce and determined lady – take it one day at a time and one step at a time so you can start kicking some butt again in fringed sweater, boyfriend jeans, and awesome boots.
I’m so sorry to hear all this Carrie. I know you are a strong woman and I am sending you positive energy as you recover from this ordeal. Your blog has always meant so much to me and I wished that we weren’t so many miles apart so I could be there with you right now and give you a big hug. My prayers are with you right now. XO
Thank you, Rosa. We’ve been blog friends a long time and it means a lot. I’m doing my best!
Found your blog from my daughter (curlyinthecity) when I was going through a health crisis this year…….please post when you feel you can because you are truly an inspiration to those of us who are following your journey and know that so many people around the country are thinking about you every day.
Bailey, T is one of my oldest blog friends and she has always been very kind to me. Your comment really lifted my spirits on a dark day last week. I’m going to try and post more. Thank you for reading and I hope, hope, hope you are in good health.
Carrie, I had no idea and i am so sorry to hear this. I don’t even know what to say. Praying for you. Xo
It’s crazy, right? I mean what to even say. Appreciate you stopping to check in! xo
No. No, no, no. Texting you right now.
txt msg solidarity
Carrie, I’m so sorry to hear this. I can’t even imagine the frustration. I sincerely will pray for you.
very accurate word: frustration.
I will take all those prayers and appreciate them!!
Carrie,
I’m so incredibly sad to hear this. Although we have never met, your words have touched me throughout the past few years and your strength, specifically in the last little while, is something that I truly look up to. You are in my thoughts and my prayers. Please take care.
Nadia
Thank you, Nadia. I’m so glad we found each other on the internets again.
Oh Carrie I am so sorry. I am sending you love and hugs and positive vibes. You are a tough cookie and so very strong, you can get through this. So glad you have Chris by your side. xo
I’m so glad you guys saw me on a good day, Marie. Thank you!!!
Sending you all the fucking love.
HOLLER
Ugh! This news is like a punch in the gut. I always think of you like the little engine that could. You are in my thoughts and prayers!! A speedy recovery to you!!
Thank you, Jen. I feel mostly like the little engine that needs another nap. and another nap and another nap, etc. ugh!!!
Oh Carrie! I’m so deeply sorry!! I feel like words over social media can be taken as empty. But please know without a doubt that our family will be praying for you. If you feel up to it, could you email me your address? I want to see if I can have some gf meals delivered if that would help.
Love from Texas,
Dj, lindsay & the 3 rug rats
I owe you a long overdue email, Lindsay. Been thinking about you and your family so much. Thank you for remembering me at a really tough time for all of you as well.
Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry! I hope you recover quickly and feel better soon! I’m never good with what to say when things like this happen so: *hugs*
You are so strong and I know you’ll make it through this! <3
thanks kiddo! xo
I’m sad that you keep having trouble. If my love and good wishes are any help, you have them, bunches of them. And I’m glad that you are resting and moving toward recovery. I’ve found since my surgery that I become angry at my body for being weak and not very resilient. Again, I know it’s normal. But you should see the skin hanging off my upper arms. And wouldn’t you know it, the thing I hate most,(tummy) is losing less quickly than other places. I now have a neck, ankles, and seriously drooping boobs. But at least in clothes I’m smiling. I really wish I could come out there and help you. And tell you how much I admire you. And did even before your health issues. If you ever want to talk I’ll send you my phone number. But I know I don’t understand what you are feeling. I just am very glad to still be in touch.
judy, thank you so much. i’ve appreciated your candor from the start and it’s so helpful for me to know other people who struggle with physical weakness. it is the absolute worst to want to do things and be unable to. i also wish we lived closer together. keep fighting the good fight. if i go down like a box of rocks i’ll be requesting your number for solidarity. xo
I’m so sorry to read this – I feel really awful for you and wish I could say something to make you feel better. I think the most appropriate thing I can offer is that, having known you through the internets for a while now and following you in various forums, I have always been incredibly impressed by your level of strength and resilience. Even if you don’t always feel like you are strong and resilient, you sure as hell project those attributes. And I think they will carry you through this and every other one of life’s trials.
Courtney ~ Sartorial Sidelines
courtney, this was so helpful to read. i came back and read it multiple times this past week because i feel so weak.
Hey missy, so sorry to hear this. I hope you get better and that the recovery is quicker. Let me know if you need anything. Xxx
will do. i want to learn that embroidery thing you were doing!!
Oh Carrie. I don’t even know what to type. I’m so sorry and it doesn’t seem fair. I’m sending you my thoughts and prayers tonight.
very much appreciated